I have always been below where I want to be in regards to my self esteem and weight. I remember even in primary school I struggled to accept who I was, especially because I was one of the taller girls and I just had this thing in my head that I was like a big giant compared to everyone else. It's really not a nice feeling, if you can relate then I would love to hear your story. Then as I began to develop more and high school came along, my Mum lost a lot of weight and I had started to compare myself to her and every other girl at my high school. I hated buying clothes because then I would have to consider what size I was, even though I wasn't overly big I was just bigger then everyone else it seemed. Because of this I was definitely quite daggy during my high school years and I had no clue about fashion or makeup or any of that, I still don't really.
In years nine and ten the girls at my high school all seemed to be really concerned about their own bodies and it frightened me because if they thought that they needed to lose weight then what did they think of me? I found it very hard to make friends because of this and it really had a big impact on me socially because on the rare occasion that I was invited somewhere I would decline because I didn't know what to wear and everything that I tried on looked awful on me. I always had my older friends back home who made me feel welcome and I cannot thank them enough for being there for me. Year ten was the worst, as there were girls starving themselves and taking laxatives and I thought I should too. I went through a really rough stage where my weight didn't really change and I was putting my body through hell by binging and vomiting and all sorts (please don't confront me about this because I really don't like talking about it). During this stage I had started going out to parties and that kind of thing, so my social life definitely increased but I think it wasn't the right time. I was in a frame of mind where I was easily influenced in to doing things I didn't really want to do and was simply wearing clothes that everyone else wore and doing the things that everyone else did.
I moved schools for the start of year eleven to try and escape the toxic life I had run straight into. I knew people at my new school and my friend from my old school moved with me so that made the transition a little easier. Everyone at my new school was really friendly and I was so glad that I had moved. Things happened really quickly during this year of my life and my weight just seemed to effect every aspect of my life. I ended up getting back with my old boyfriend because he was popular and I thought this would help me with developing my social life but it just added to the acid environment that I was creating. I don't want to go into details but I was partying too hard and wearing the most atrocious things during this time of my life and I was also at my most vulnerable, I'm sure that the mistakes I made during this time will always be things that I regret and I wish I could've learned the things I did another way, without hurting the people that I did and destroying myself.
My weight was always the underlying issue because it was the beginning of all of my doubts. In year ten my teacher suggested that I go to see the councillor, I went twice and on the first occasion I balled my eyes out and was diagnosed with anxiety and then on the second occasion I balled again and she gave me homework so I decided that there is no possible way that this woman could be helping me and I never went back. In year eleven I started getting further away from my Mum and we barely talked because when we did there would always be an argument, some which got quite out of hand. My life was a mess and I tried so hard to get out of it but I was too busy trying to help other people get out of their troubles, I believed that other people should be helped before I focused on myself.
Then at the end of year eleven, a shining beam of hope came in the form of my absolute most bestest friend who confessed his love for me. He is truly a saviour and I will always be so very grateful for him being such a big part of my life. He showed me who I truly was and gave me hope that I could be a better person. At the start of year twelve I received compliments on looking thinner and I started to involve my Mum more in my life, I was the happiest I had been in a very long time. I came back to who I truly was and started facing my problems head on. Year twelve was a very bumpy ride and I'm still on the crazy roller coaster that is my life, there's still things that I have to face but I know that I am a much stronger person now and I just have to focus on the good and be the best person I can be. I have made some absolutely amazing friends who I will cherish forever and have had some wonderful times. Thank you to all of you who have been a part of my journey so far, I hope that you can be in my future too.
PS this post went a little off track but I hope you enjoyed it and I will be going into more detail about some things in later posts so stay tuned if you want to know more.
Love, love, love.
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